Post Apocalyptic Time Machine

March 26, 2014

re: Chris Christie found not to be involved in Bridgegate scandal by his lawyer, who did a “thorough and complete” internal investigation yet failed to talk to the persons who ordered it, implemented it, or tried to cover it up.

Dear Hank,

I know I haven’t written much lately, but I’ve been busy. As I think you know, I’ve been twiddling with my time machine. Got it out from under the dusty tarp where it’s been for several years and began adjusting the defribulating time-warp mechanism. The gravitron was the biggest problem, but now with the advent of hybrid solar that has been overcome. I stepped inside for a test run and came back from a post-apocalyptic future (Is there any other kind?) 

I have to say I was impressed. All the shopping malls were in ruins. Green vines strangling the remnants of the last white painted cinder block walls. The women were beautiful, if somewhat earnest. They seemed to be the only ones who had access to clean water and used it to take baths. Everyone’s teeth were immaculate, except for the cretins - who were all evil and dirty. 

Amazingly, I landed on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. There wasn’t much left of the old town. It seemed to have been blown to bits in a nuclear standoff that didn’t stand-down. I strolled onto the grounds of the White House and discovered these shreds of a document, which I found vaguely amusing. It seems to be a transcript from a high level investigation. Without further adieu, I give you - The Transcript:

“President Christie did you push the button?”

“No Sir, I did not.”

“You must have given the order to push it?”

“No, I did not. In fact, I had no knowledge that it had been pushed.”

“But only you, and you alone, have the authority to push the button.”

“Yes, that is absolutely true. I am the only one who has the authority.”

“Yet you did not do it, and you don’t know who did?”

“That is correct. Listen, a lot of things go on in the White House that I don’t know about.”

“Like initiating Global Thermo Nuclear War?”

“Well, like I said earlier, there’s a lot that goes on in the White House I don’t know about.”

“The button was on your desk. In the Oval Office someone pushed it and you say you didn’t do it, and you don’t know who did?”

“That’s correct. Maybe, it was a mistake. I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? The end of civilization as we know it has happened and you think it might be a mistake?”

“Well, I certainly think it’s a mistake; if that is in fact what happened. But again, I didn’t do it. In fact I’m convening a blue panel committee to investigate exactly what happened, and when all the facts come out I think you’ll see that I’m not to blame.”

“Not to blame? There were only two people in the Oval Office at the time the launch sequence was initiated: you and your Chief of Staff. One of you had to have pushed the button. The world is destroyed and you’re not sure.”

“We’re not sure exactly what happened, but I did I fire my Chief of Staff.”

“Did you ask if they pushed the button?”

“No, what would be the point? They knew only I should push the button. I didn’t push the button so they had to have pushed the button. They shouldn’t have done that. So I fired them.”

“Without asking?”

“Look what’s the point? The world appears to be ruined; we won’t know for sure what happened until the investigation is complete. I didn’t push the button. If the button were pushed, and we don’t know if it was, they had to have done it, and they weren’t supposed to, so that’s akin to lying. I can’t have people on my staff who lie to me.”

“Your Chief of Staff and everyone you appointed to the Blue Ribbon Panel is dead.”

“That’s too bad. I’m sorry to hear that. But again, I had nothing to do with it.”

“We have a video tape showing your Chief of Staff leaning against the desk. Their palm is resting on something on the desk. It looks like it might be the big red button, is it?”

“Gosh gee, all the radioactivity sure has made the picture grainy. I’m not sure. I don’t think so. Well, maybe.”

“Seconds later there is a shot of you perched on the edge of the desk. We can’t see the button at all. Could it be that you sat on it?”

“Look, I’m not going to sit here - no pun intended - and speculate about what did or did not happen. Besides, I’ve lost a lot of weight so I doubt I sat on the button. Once the investigation is complete I’m sure all the facts will come out.”

“There’s no one left to do the investigation.”

“That’s too bad. But again, that’s not my fault. Or my problem. I’ve got a country in tatters and what’s important, now, is not to try and assign blame but to try - as best we can - to go forward, and clean up this mess. It’s a natural disaster no doubt made worse by my enemies. Have you seen the dustpan?”

At this point the transcript is torn and appears to have blood on it. It looks like a blood splatter, perhaps from a gunshot.

Oh well, gotta go. There’s a valve on “Olde Rusty” (that’s what I call my time machine) that’s acting twitchy again.

All the best.

Hope the hip replacement goes well.

It should last you until, darn it, I don’t know what the date on that memo I found was.

Bryce