Do your part to save America from Terrorists

Dear Hank,
April 30, 2006
Re: Do your part to save America from Terrorists

Yes that’s right. It’s time you stepped up to the plate and did your part. Me too. We can all help save America from Terrorist and in the process cut our dependence on foreign oil. This is something the left and the right can agree on and us in the middle can get in on the action with good old American know how.
I believe it was just last month the President said we should start switching over to ethanol. A fuel that is made from corn but can be made from anything you can ferment. So what if it’s a billion dollar give-away and no one can supply it on the east cost and it’s costly to make  and Archer-Daniels-Midland (ADM) is all gung ho because they get most of the subsidy? There’s a solution at hand.
Bill Sasher of Tullahoma, Tenn. Has a garage based business where he makes and sell a kit that you can use to make ethanol. You can fill your tank 15% with ethanol and save on gas. I wonder if you can get part of the subsidy for doing this. I wonder what ADM and the conservative Republicans will think about that. The still can make about 5 gallons of ethanol an hour that works out to 120 gallons a day or 840 gallons a week. Heck, you could even have a Hummer if you can get it to run on all ethanol. You could sell the extra and make thousands of dollars a week.
But here’s the interesting thing…you need to put something into the mixture to make it ethanol, if you don’t it’s moonshine “and that’s illegal” says Mr. Sasher.
Well now I ask you who’s responsible for putting the additive in? What if you just supply the additive? It would be like selling gas for a two cycle engine and giving the customer the can of oil to add to the gas.
Besides what if you got some of the unadded mixture on your fingers and licked your fingers to get it off? You wouldn’t want that to be ethanol now would you? It’s far safer to add the additive later.
I could go on and I probably will later on but please think about the implications here – stopping terrorism, rebuilding the American economy, creating jobs here at home.

I better be going.

I'm Blogging!

Dear </Fill in the Blank/>;
I’m so excited I just have to tell you, </First Name/>, my closest friend.
I’m blogging!
I’m so excited!
Yes, you can read all about me on my blog.
I’m sorry, </First Name again/>, I haven’t had time to call you but this blogging is taking up all my time.
I’m blogging!
Wow, it is so cool. You can put down anything you like and put it out in the blogoshere. That’s the big ball of this stuff that is all the blogs everywhere, I guess, I don’t know.
Everybody is doing it. It’s so exciting.

Today, I went for a walk with my dog Muffy. You remember Muffy, don’t you?
He’s the big gray and white sheep dog that I found wandering the streets a few months ago. Now, we go everywhere together! It’s so exciting.
Well, he wasn’t feeling well today so I took him to the vet and I found out he was pregnant. He’s a she! Isn’t that exciting!
Not only that but the vet found a collar on the dog under all that fur. The collar had a tag and the tag had a phone number on it, which we called, and the owners came over right away and picked up Muffy. Isn’t that exciting!
They said the dog was named Sam and  that I stole him and  the  guy called me all kinds of nasty names and  his wife kicked me in the shins which really hurt. So I told  the husband that he knew when he called me a slut like he had just done it really turned me on and I was all hot and wet. This caused his wife to turn on him and say, “You know this bitch?” Well, he denied it because he’d never seen me before in my life but you know how it is when a guy tries to deny that he’s done something, especially when he’s innocent? It’s so cute. There was nothing he could say or do at that point that would satisfy that old witch. So I said good-bye to Muffy; kicked the wife right behind the knees which caused her to fall over backwards and swatted old Muff in the rear end which caused him to jump on the wife and start licking her face. When I left she, the wife not Muffy, was  yelling, “Get this fucking dog off of me!”
Life is full of  surprises. You just never know.
Any rate, I wanted you, </Fill in the Blank/>, to be the first to know I’m blogging at:
http://letterstohank.blogspot.com
http://squidandicky.blogspot.com/
Your friend always,

Evil Twin Myth, Virgins

Dear Hank
April 29, 2006
Re: Evil Twin Myth

I have often said to people that there is an evil twin that inhabits my self same body. It’s the person who says outrageous things I would  never say and dreams of doing things I would never do or have never had the opportunity to do, I sometimes refer to him as my Communist mutant brother that inhabits my self same body. Actually, most of the things he dreams of doing only sound good for the moment they are said.
I know for you it is different. For instance, you really would relish the opportunity to be in bed with two young nubile young females., the old human sandwich fantasy. As you know I’ve been doing a lot of exploring into myth, primitive symbols and issues that  look at questions of whether it was caused by one’s environment or one’s genes (or some combination.)
Certainly, another powerful fantasy/myth/image is that of the virgin. As far as I know this always refers to a female. No one seems interested in male virgins. Well, that’s not entirely true there’s the Hollywood motif of the young man taken to the whorehouse (with saloon and gambling on the first floor) and the elder Clark Gable, gone With The Wind, father figure type says to the Madam, “This is the boy bring back the man.” At which point she grabs the young man by his tie/bandanna/scarf and he is tugged upstairs.
I always liked the Pueblo idea where a young man was hooked up with an older woman and when she died he was given a young woman – ah the circle of life. I wonder what all those poor bastards who sacrificed their lives for Allah are doing  with their 72 virgins? In heaven, if you are a virgin do you stay a virgin forever? Think about it, if they get laid they aren’t virgins. After they’ve screwed them do they get bitchy and demanding or grateful and satisfied. Frankly, I get tired thinking about two woman at once; can you imagine what it must be like after with 72? Let’s say you screw one a day and you’re coming around  for the second time and she says to you, “You haven’t screwed me in over two months you pig.” And you say Well I’m here now. She’ll probably say I’m having my period and not interested, then she tell the other women and when you say the heck with it and move  on to the next one you’ll find she’s on the rag and not interested either. Pretty soon the whole group is on the rag and pissed off.
So you try and play nice and go to the flower shop and tell the guy you need six red dozen roses and each rose needs to be individually wrapped and delivered. He bitches at you says he needs more notice, but he’ll do what he can. He charges you extra, complains some more. You go to the local VFW Hall, or whatever it’s called, to hang out with your male buddies, all of whom have seventy two virgins, all of whom aren’t getting any because if they did the women wouldn’t be virgins and you fall into the old complaint, “Can’t live with them; Can’t live without them.”
You get back home and figure someone will be grateful but you’d be wrong because  upon your return theirs Fatime and she’s crying and being comforted by some of  the other virgins because her rose looks short and sickly and her girlfriends don’t think she deserves this kind  of disrespect. So instead of everyone being happy they are pissed off and beat you with their roses; and  those thorns hurt! You call the flower guy up on your cell phone and ask what happened you told him you wanted them all the same. He tells you, “Hey, sorry” but he would need to order that in advance and you’d have to pay four times what  he charged you because  he’d have to get that many extra roses just to guarantee any kind of  consistency and besides he has to go because Acmed is there pleading for 72 baskets of daisies with baby’s breath each one the same, each one saying, “I’m sorry.” And he’s got to go deliver the, “Hey, what do you think I am, a miracle worker?” routine and he doesn’t really have time for your sniveling.
So in summary, it’s amazing to me that this virgin myth has survived in man’s (not woman’s) subconscious for so long.

I gotta go,
Rick-Boy

RSVP Nick Lampson Party

RSVP to Party for Nick Lampson running for Tom Delay’s old ass, I mean seat
4/29/06

Taddy Sorry, we won't make the May first get together. It seems however that your invitation pushed Mr. Delay over the edge and he quit the next day. Obviously, he saw the writing on the floor or wall or where ever he is spraying for bugs. I found it interesting that a man known as the Hammer, who knew what you liked and knew how to provide  it said he didn't know that there was a scandal in his own office. Please ask Nick to ask Mr. Cheney why he the Vice President elect (in January 2000) had a map of Iraq on his  office wall with oil fields and company names on it which were going to be awarded after the U.S. invaded. This was revealed in the book Sec. O'Neil had written about his time as Treasury Secretary. Thank-God Bush got rid of him. He was friend of Greenspan's and could have solved the social security issue. Instead W listened to a guy who's business experience consisted of running a hot dog stand in high school (Unlike O'Neil who ran Alcoa a multi-billion dollar company). So George gave billions back to his friends and a little to the average guy, put us an extra trillion or two in debt and made sure that we are beholding to the Chinese and pissed the whole world off after we had their sympathy. I wanted to bring my George W Bush Talking Action Figure Doll to the party so Nick could pull the string in its neck and get some words of wisdom - oh well. As far as I know there isn't a John Kerry doll, I figure the string would have to be too long to pull all the way to get the "sound meal" (I don't think Kerry ever made a "bite"). All the best to  Nick. Rick

Writing, How to Become Famous, CEO

Dear Hank
April 28, 2006
Re: Writing, How to Become Famous, CEO

It’s been awhile but I’ve been busy. Certain events have led me to believe that a new strategy is needed to become famous as a writer and to support myself in the process.

The old strategy was to sit at home and write, send stuff out when it was ready and then hope that someone would publish it. This is really a silly way to go about things. This method suggests that someone will want to read you and that you are a fabulous author. To be read you must be famous; to be famous someone must notice you; to be noticed you must do something truly extraordinary.
Taking a page out of the recent political campaigns it is instructive to realize that it is not important to be versed on the issues or to have a good record or to be kind compassionate and caring; none of these things matter; what matters is that you are noticed. It’s best if you are noticed many times, briefly each time – little sound bites if you will.
The easiest way for an author to be noticed is to plagiarize. No one reads you at first anyway, but everyone will talk about you if you plagiarize.
The only problem is that it is viewed as a career ending move for an author. This may seem like a dilemma but I have come up with the perfect solution. I call it “How to Become Famous by Plagiarizing and not Ruin Your Career” Method.
Years ago I ran a kite contest. The local radio station would run a public service announcement about it only in the wee hours of the morning and  that didn’t really help all that much. I mean people who fly kites are probably not up at 2am. However, the radio station would run announcements about rain delays and the like. I called the radio station the morning of my event and gave them an announcement that read something like this, “Despite the rain the bla-bla-bla kite festival will go on as scheduled at 10am on the grounds of the …”
A rain delay they would read. No one ever said, “Hey, there’s no delay here!” or “It’s not supposed to rain.” They just read the “rain delay” announcement. I guess people in radio are in a booth with no windows and don’t know whether it’s raining or not.
Hank, I’m going to publish my method and sell it on late night TV along with the “you can get rich from real estate” courses and the ab machines infomercials. I’ll make a fortune and then I can write full time.
You probably want to know how my method works, don’t you? No? Too bad, I’m going to tell you anyway. When I’m done I will have three books published, the first book is the “How to …” book that I sell on my infomercial that reveals “The Secret.”
Okay, here’s the secret. Step 1 – write a book and publish it. Self publish it and make  up a fancy sounding publishing company name. Write  this book under a pseudonym. We’ll call this Book Alpha.
Step 2 – write another book under the name you want to be known by in the literary world, publish it under another publishing company name. We’ll call this Book Beta.
Here’s the important part. Use the same notes and outline for both books: change the names and most of the book but make sure you copy a few lines VERBATIM from Book Alpha. This is very important because that constitutes plagiarism.
Step 3 – Have press releases for both books and send them out. Book Alpha should have been out in the market for 6 to 18 months before Book Beta’s release. Make sure there appears to be no connection between the two publishing firms, invent names for the  CEOs of  both companies as well as VPs of marketing and what not.
Step 4 – Have the VP of marketing of firm Alpha disclose that their author has been copied and your firm will be suing firm Beta and the author of Book Beta.
Step 5 - Have the Beta firm deny any plagiarism and have author book Beta admit to reading Book Alpha and being a big fan of author Alpha but in no way did Beta author copy anything from Book Alpha.
Step 6 – Several rounds of accusations and recriminations should go back and forth. Hopefully, someone will listen and pick up the story. One of the two books should sell and someone should become famous and rich. Seeing as how you are the only person involved in this plan it should be you.

Here’s the final idea for the day. How to survive while waiting  to become rich and famous as an author. This is easy. Buy a share in a bunch of different companies so you get their annual reports and an invitation to their annual stockholders’ meeting. At the meeting nominate yourself for Board of Directors, CEO and any other position that the stockholders can elect.
One of two things will happen, either you will get elected or you won’t. If you get elected they pay you. If you don’t get elected then start making all sorts of proposals from the floor. You will quickly be known as a troublemaker. If it’s one thing a business doesn’t like it’s trouble.
After attending several annuals meetings of different companies your name will get around. You can then contact a company ahead of time  and  let them know you will be at their annual meeting. They have a choice: they can offer you a position such as CEO or member of the board of directors  or they can “retire” you immediately with a golden parachute.(The former president of Exxon got 140 million a year as retirement, that would be acceptable.) If that doesn’t work see how many of your books they’ll buy.

I gotta go.
Later
Rick-Boy