Dear Hank
July 27, 2006
RE: New Blog Post, Tell All Your Friends
Things have slowed down here a bit so I have time to write.
It’s not that we don’t have a lot to do, we do; it’s just that we don’t have any gumption to do it. I’m going into my seventh week of a vicious sinus infection and Miss. Shelby had a fever of 101 yesterday. All of which suggests that we are so ready to have a pig roast on Saturday. All that’s left to do is get the pig, dig the pit, get tables and chairs, fix up the yard so the bugs won’t eat the pig and us first, put back the rec room after the spring like rains. In short we both feel like shit. What are you doing Friday? Why don’t you come over, help out and stay to eat some pig?
But you’ve probably got some sniveling excuse, which is just like you. What? You’re busy? In the middle of god fucking knows where, doing g.f.k. what. Yeah, I hear you. Listen, we all got problems.
I’m trying to make a list of the best and the worst Presidents of all times, where would you put our current pres? Hummm. Let’s see, Warren G. Harding is generally considered the worst and and his administration the most corrupt. I wonder if he was a C student. I think he was. Fortunately, for the U.S. he died after a year in office.
Let’s do another political quiz, or better yet call in to a “fair and balanced” talk show, that, of course, is what most “conservative” shout shows call themselves. But call in and ask who in their opinion has been the best conservative president in the last 50 years. Let’s see who’s in the running: Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Regan, Bush, Clinton, W. Did I miss anyone? I don’t think so.
Okay, what are the criteria? I’d say conservatives have three objectives (or claim they do when someone they consider liberal is in office. I’m not sure they feel the same way when one of their boys is in the driver’s seat.) Those three things are: smaller government, balanced or reduced budget, keep out of foreign wars. Also, don’t do anything disgraceful, don’t help the poor except to say “pull yourself up by your boot straps”, help the rich by providing tax dodges and pork filled contracts but these are not things you say out loud so they can’t count. You can only really judge by the original three I mentioned.
I’d have to say based on the original three, Bill Clinton wins by a land slide and then Ford. Who’s next? I’m not sure but the biggest loser on this scale would be W and then Johnson. I think it is safe to say that W is the worst conservative president in the last 50 years.
Let’s look at the incompetence scale instead. Warren G. has held the bottom rung (or should I say top rung?) for the most clueless and incompetent since he was in office. Is there a new contender? In the last 50 years Ford and “Bush I” have both been held up as incompetent (Ford seemed overwhelmed and BI seemed clueless as to what he wanted to do) But now we have W, is he clueless, incompetent, stupid, or infantile in his assessment of the realities of the world? It’s hard to know which to pick first.
Any rate this is not what I wanted to tell you about. What I wanted to do was tell you that I posted a new hysterically funny and witty thing to my blog.
Of course, you know where it is:
http://letterstohank.blogspot.combut I thought I’d throw it in just the same.
I’ll be posting this shortly.
I’ve finally figured out what blogs are for. They are mainly for fat middled aged balding white men to rant about the world. So now instead of someone saying, “Listen you FMABWM piece of shit I don’t care what you think why don’t you stick it where the sun don’t shine?”
They can cheerily say, “Why don’t you blog?”
To which the FMABWM can respond, “Listen, you sniveling yelping little wet-behind-the-ears person of questionable parentage why don’t you read? And I mean read my blog, which I’ll have you know I’ve been doing since before David Spade had Courtney Love to his big birthday bash.”
Oh yeah, I need more traction, more stickiness, more eyeballs, more clicks and click thrus…Well, how about sending out this nice little message [below] to ten of your most trusted friends?
Hey What’s Up?
I just wanted to tell you I just found the coolest blog in the whole world. It’s
http://letterstohank.blogspot.comCheck it out the guy is right on!
I think everyone who reads this blog should send a buck to the guy everytime they read it so he can keep it up (ha..ha..ha..ha, get it? Keep it up?)
Any rate check it out and tell ten of your friends.
In nine days the whole world will know about
http://letterstohank.blogspot.comand it (the world, silly) will be a better place for it (that could be a good line in a song? No?).
I don’t think that if you don’t do this that the hounds of hell will find you and tear you apart like a worthless piece of do-do, but you never know!
Maybe, Apollo while riding his golden chariot across the sky will bend down for a second and cut your stomach out like a cur dog if you don’t read
http://letterstohank.blogspot.comI can see him using the end of a broken amphora to eviscerate you; much like a toothless hick in a pick up truck might do with a broken long neck beer bottle to aforesaid cur dog.
Thank-you and have a nice day! <smiley face>
…..
Maybe I need to work on my pitch. I could take a correspondence course for direct mail marketing where I can learn for $495 how to write really effective annoying letters.
I gotta go.
