Bogies at 11 O’Clock!

“Jepsun! Come Quick! Four Bogies at 11 o’clock.”
“Yes sir, coming sir.”
“Quick fetch me the spy glass.”
“Yes sir. Here you are sir.”
“What do you make of it, Jepsun?”
“Four kayaks, sir.”
“Better get Bessie ready.”
“Yes sir.”
“Oh and Jepsun.”
“Yes sir?”
“Do prepare me a brace of gin and tonic.”
“Already in the fridge sir.”
“Excellent. After you have taken the canvas wraps off Bessie do bring me a G&T, will you?”
“Yes sir.”
“I make them out to be east south east about 639 yards. Do hurry.”
“Yes sir. The canvases are off and I’m releasing her on her track, sir. Would you like that G&T now sir?”
“Yes, please. Is the powder dry Jepsun?”
“Yes sir. Here’s you refreshment sir.”
“Good man, Jepsun. Fortunately, I’m in my dress whites with double breasted Navy blue blazer. I don’t know why I decided to wear it today. Felt lucky, I guess.”
“You are indeed sir. Half charge sir?”
“No, three quarters. I want more delay on time to impact. Have you checked the chart for the proper angle for the mortar?”
“Yes sir. May I suggest sir?”
“Yes, yes, be quick about it man.”
“I do think that your reading of east south east is correct but only if I add in the 19 degrees for magnetic north versus true north, sir.”
“Quite right, Jepsun. Please make the proper adjustment. Do you have the charge loaded?”
“Packing it now sir.”
“Very good. Now remember, mouth open on firing, feet firmly planted. Did we open the doors Jepsun?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good we wouldn’t want any broken glass or cracked walls from the vacuum. Excellent. Ear protection?”
“Yes sir.”
“Let me get in position. Drink in right hand, left hand placed palm on out on the small of the back. Fire at will.”
“What sir?”
“Fire at will.”
“What?”
“FIRE AT WILL! Are you deaf?”
Wah-whump!
“Sorry sir, ear protection.”
“Oh yes, I see. Nice trajectory Jepsun.”
“Thank-you sir.”
Bah-wump!
“Oh splendid shot. Right between bogie number two and three. Can you hear them Jepsun?”
“Yes sir, I’ve got the big ear on them now.”
“What are they saying?”
“It’s a bit confused sir. I can’t really understand the lady but she seems to think someone is bombing them. The man is trying to reassure her, sir. He’s suggesting that maybe the passing plane emptied its toilet before landing at the airport.”
“Oh lovely. Prepare another charge.”
“Yes sir.”
“They seem to be sitting still in the water, looking around. At first, I thought it was a family with their kids but having a gander through the glass it appears to be a guide in the lead with two couples and an odd singleton. I do hope they are wearing the latest from L. L. Bean or Dooney and Bourke.”
“Yes, sir that would be lovely sir.”
“Did you swab old Bessie out before you reloaded?”
“Yes sir, but I could use some help sir.”
“Yes, of course, how silly of me Jepsun, enjoying the view and all that. Give me the punk stick. I’ll fire it off.”
“Oh thank you sir.”
“Are we ready?”
“Yes sir. Same settings?”
“Yes, I should think so they’ve hardly moved.”
“Yes sir.”
“Ready?”
“Ready sir.”
Wah-whump!
“Excellent shot sir.”
“Thank you Jepsun. I do seem to have a way with the old punk stick don’t I?”
“You do indeed sir.”
Bah-wump!
“Oh look, they are beginning to paddle in different directions away from the splash site. Do you like the blazer I have on?”
“Yes sir, I picked it out for you this morning sir.”
“Ah yes, so you did. So you did. What are they saying?”
“There’s much shouting sir.”
“I can hear that across the water, Jepsun, but I can’t make out the conversation.”
“Yes sir, the guide seems to be saying ‘keep calm’ and ‘there must be an explanation.’ One of the wives is paddling frantically and using rather vile language sir. Blaming her husband for talking her into this kayak adventure. ‘You said this would be fun’, ‘You said I’d like it.’ and some really salty commentary as well sir.”
“Cursing? On our bay? Well, we can’t have that. Which kayak do you think it is Jepsun?”
“The one breaking to our right sir.”
“Add one degree to the south.”
“May I suggest one and a half sir. We must account for the flight of the ball sir.”
“Quite right. Very good, make it one and a half.”
“Yes sir.”
“Ah, to be standing on the deck proudly, nattily attired whilst my good man Jepsun labors to prepare the mortar for another round. What could be better? Jepsun?”
“Yes sir?”
“My glass is empty. All this adventure has made me quite thirsty. Please be a good man and fetch me another, will you?”
“Yes sir.”
“Oh and Jepsun.”
“Yes sir?”
“You look positively parched. Do get yourself a glass of ice water.”
“You are too kind sir.”
“I am. I am. But do hurry. I think we’ll need to add another degree to our calculations.”
“Yes sir. Your drink, sir.”
“Thank you, Jepsun. How’s the loading going?”
“I’ve finished the swabbing and have the powder in, sir.”
“Pack it tightly my good man.”
“Yes sir, very good sir.”
“Do we have any of those exploding balls of pooh, Jepsun?”
“We do indeed, sir.”
“How about a time on target with one of those?”
“An excellent idea sir. At what height would you like the pooh to fly sir?”
“25 meters.”
“Very good sir, setting the fuse now sir. I’ll allow an extra eight seconds for the burning of the lighting charge?”
“Yes, perfect. Hold the ball here I’ll light it then shove it down old Bessie’s snout.”
“What sir?”
“I lit the pooh bomb! Get it down the snout quick! I’ve just lit the firing charge. Hurry with the loading!”
“Yes sir, sorry sir. I didn’t ...”
Bah-wump
“...hear you, sir.”
“Oh Jepsun, I’m so sorry. But you must be more attentive. Fortunately, you got your body out of the way just in time. But your face is black with soot. I’m afraid you’ve singed your eyebrows.”
“Sorry, sir.”
“No matter, it looks like another perfect trajectory.”
“Yes sir. And sir?”
“Yes Jepsun?”
“It appears the guide is looking in our direction sir.”
“Really, do you think he saw the muzzle flash?”
“Very likely sir. I don’t think the hedge covers it completely sir.”
Pfoof
“My God. Will you look at that? Excrement flying and cascading down in a huge circle.”
“And with quite bit of force sir. Seems the guide caught one in the right glass of his binoculars, sir.”
“Yes, it does. That should teach him not to spy on us. I hope he caught my hoisting my beverage in salute.”
“I believe he did, sir. He appears to be responding with an Italian hand and arm gesture, sir.”
“What can you expect? Ah me. Well, they seem to be paddling much faster now; don’t you think?”
“Yes sir, they are moving out quite smartly, in different directions. There is quite a cacophony of sounds, sir.”
“I’m not surprised. Well, I think we better put old Bessie away for the time being. I’m afraid the sheriff may be coming over to see if we saw anything.”
“Yes sir, indeed. And we have the cocktail party this afternoon at five.”
“Oh yes, that’s right. Have you finished the canopies?”
“No sir, I was in the middle of that when this important business called me away.”
“Ah yes, well, do hurry with that. And Jepsun.”
“Yes sir?”
“Do rinse off before continuing. Your front is streaked in black soot. Should I hose you off in the yard?”
“That would be greatly appreciated sir.”