Snakes on a plain

Hank,

There’s a lot to get to and in fact I’m running behind on my posts. They’re kind of piling up like the ice does at the end of Lake Superior. Massive sheets and blocks of the stuff crammed up on the shore by the wind and the waves. But I digress.

You know a few weeks ago I went to have my beard trimmed by Therese and she stopped an looked at me with her mouth open in surprise and said, “Have you been trimming your beard yourself?”

I had to admit that I had and I told her I had gotten a beard trimmer from my father-in-law and I needed to use it before we visited again so yes I had trimmed it myself. Soon she and my wife were inspecting my beard and pulling on the little tuft below the center of my chin. I told them they had fulfilled a long held fantasy of mine to have two women pulling on my thing at the same time. Later, Therese told my wife that she said I could no longer trim my beard when I was drunk. This will drastically cut down on the time that I might have to trim my beard.

But, I digress.

What I wanted to talk to you about was that I was going over to the rental house to water the lawn. Well, that’s not exactly it what it is - is what I saw on the way over to turn on the sprinklers to water the lawn (see, I’m trying to grow grass and it’s a race against time. Can I get grass to grow before the wind blows away all the sand and seed?)

I was on my way over to the rental house and I cut across the yard and started down the neighbor’s driveway. I hadn’t taken but two steps down that driveway when there in the middle of the driveway was a fer de lace snake. Now, you may not be familiar with a fer de lace but they are the deadliest snake known to man (except perhaps 16 others.) No known antidote is known and their venom attacks the nervous system and you’re dead within seconds.

What did I do?

Well, first I cursed myself for not having my camera with me, which I almost always take with me whenever I leave the house. But not this time. Oh no, not this time when there’s something really good to photograph. Then I decided to try and use my cellphone:

Please say or enter a command.

I don’t want command mode.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand. Would you like to download music?

Fuck you. (more button pushing)

I’M SORRY I (Damn, that’s the speaker. More button pushing)

Okay, either the camera is on or the video is on - can’t tell too bright.

Point and shoot - no sound. Well, did it take the picture or not? No way to tell. I’ll shot again. Wait, I can’t. It wants to know if I want to save the picture. Come on push the right button. I think I got it. The snake is getting away! shoot again, save.

Who knows I can’t see a thing in this bright sunlight.

...

On the way back from turning on the sprinklers I was walking down the road and what did I see? Another snake! But this was a big fat evil sucker with diamonds or copper cross stitches or something must be a rattler or a copperhead! Whip on the phone and I got him before he completely disappeared into the grass.

checkout my facebook fan page for the exciting pics!

Rick Kinnaird, author

Editor’s note: It could be a common green snake and milk snake.