Academy Awards

Dear Hank,

There are a lot of serious issues and I’ve got lots of important things I need to be doing so let’s talk about last night’s Academy Awards.

We need to talk fashion first. Who’s couture did you like better Zach Galifianakis, or Ben Stiller?

You know they both wore black tuxs, right? They didn’t even say where they got them: Men’s Warehouse or Mel’s Tuxs? Maybe, they even own them? Who knows? I wonder why the announcers were so silent on this topic?

The question I liked best posed by the pre-game show was: “Who are you wearing?”

Can you imagine asking that anywhere else? Picture my asking that of some guy, or gal, down here. They’re sitting at the bar, sipping on a Bud Lite and I saunter over and say, “Excuse me but who are you wearing?”

I think the answers would vary between:

“Huh? Oh, Fran and Fran’s Tackle Shop.” (Or Avon Sail Shop, or Ketch 55, or Risky Business)

to

“What kind of a question is that dip-shit? Are you queer?”

I think this raises a good point. Is there anywhere else but the hour before the Academy Awards on the red carpet leading into the theater that the question proffered could be raised without getting a weird look or your face punched in? I think not.

Why ask: What in the world are you wearing? Did you look in the mirror before you left the house?

And speaking of all that what was wrong with the two big fashion commentators? The beak nosed lady that looked vaguely like a bad version of Barbra Streisand thought Michelle Williams looked fabulous in that red dress with the pouffy middle? And Tim what’s his name (I think he’s gay don’t you?) agreed with her? And they raved over Tina Fey’s dress? Another pouffy in the middle number? And then there was the woman in the red dress with no tits who was trying to hide it by having a wall of curtain pleating darts sticking up in front of her décolletage? What was that about?

Regardless, ladies, if you ever get a chance to go and be on the red carpet you need to perfect the art of the fashion mumble. This is in response to, “Who are you wearing?”

Make sure to run it all together, turn your head slightly down or away from the mic so one can’t really tell what you said and then smile at the person asking the question:

“Who are you wearing?”

“GeeVanisheylkshadoiweohgb iwergubrdo!”

“Well, you look fabulous. I love the way it tightly gathers around the knees and then has the long flowing train behind.”

“It is fabulous, isn’t it?”

“I must say, But why the brown on the cream color of the train? And only the train?”

“Footprints, Brad Pitt and George Clooney thought it’s fun to step on it and see if I face plant. Fortunately, the damn thing is so tight around the knees I can only duck waddle.”

“I see. Marvelous.”

Okay, now the awards. The woman from The Help should have won. Streep was right; half of America was saying, “Oh, no, not again.” Just give her a damn statue beforehand, take her off the board and let’s see who else is deserving. Okay?

I loved the guy who won Best Actor. He is the embodiment of debonaire European charm. He’s their George Clooney. And speaking of George, the woman he was with? Wow. I thought the old girlfriend who was on Dancing with The Stars was gorgeous. The new model is even better. Too bad they didn’t let her say a word, even on the pre-game.

Funniest line - Out take from The Bridesmaids, “I put a loaded gun in his bag. TSA is going to rip him a new one.”

In fact, all the funniest stuff was from Melisa McCarthy: the leg scene from the airplane, and again with Billy Crystal at his dressing room door. The drinking game on with her and the other chic from Bridesmaids. When someone yelled, “Scorsese!” and the two of them whipped out the little liquor bottles and took a swig. Even Martin’s granddaughter, or whoever the little kid who was who was sitting nonplussed the whole night beside him, smiled.

What else? I noticed awards went to films from Pakistan, Iran, and France. All nations we have had our differences with recently. Isn’t this a better way to build rapport than what we, as a nation, have been doing?