Do You Know What This Is?

Do you know what this is?
Dear Hank,




It’s my ticket to ride. It came in the mail yesterday. It shows I’m a man of means. I’m important. No longer do I have to go around drunkenly imitating Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront (“I could have been somebody.”) Now, I am somebody. I’m a Chase Sapphire - Preferred.
No longer do I have to hold up a credit card (or Driver’s License) and ask, “Do you know who I am?”
This card is so exclusive, so incredibly secure that no number appear on it’s face. There’s not even a magnetic strip on the back. It must use an integrated chip and laser hooked up to a satellite system and banks of computers, or something like that; I don’t understand it completely, but, best of all, it doesn’t even have my real name on the card! Talk about security. I think just to be safe I better get a library card with my “new” name on it. I might even use that to get a driver’s license ID and then a passport. 
I’ll have to work on not saying, “What?” when the clerk says, “Mr. Walden.”
I’ll have to get used to saying “Walden, Don.”
I wish Carol was still working at Ace. I’d love to try whipping it out on her.
Imagine...
“What’s this?”
“It’s my Chase Sapphire Preferred.”
“Preferred what?”
“Card. Preferred card.”
“That’s not your name.”
“Shhh, It’s my new identity.
“What?”
“Exactly, they give me a secret identity for making purchases. It’s for security.”
“How come on the back it says, This is not a valid card. VOID.”
“I think that’s an acronym for Very Own ID - VOID.”
“Well, I think you better show me your very own credit card.”
“You mean you won’t accept my new Sapphire Preferred?”
“No, Honey. And if I were you ... never mind.”

Gotta go,

Bryce