May 24, 2010

Passport Photos and Dog Shit

Dear Hank,

You may think this an odd title for today’s diatribe but let me explain. As you know, I’m not much of a drinking man; at least not before 5 o’clock. I admit sometimes I go on the Atlantic Time Zone, which gives me an hour headstart and, on special occasions, I’ve even gone to the New Foundland Time Zone, which gives me a start time of a half hour earlier than the Atlandic; but, other than that, and with the exception of a special day like Sunday or Monday, “you ne’re catch me wid a dink in me hand laddie”, except of course in stressful situations - like today. Let me explain.

Okay, this morning I had two things I wanted to get done first thing. One was to apply for a new passport and the other by now I’ve forgotten. I can go 55 miles up the beach to the Post Office in Kitty Hawk and apply for a passport there or, as the man at that post office was nice enough to tell me, I can do it on-line.

Terrific.

Go on line to state.travel.gov and look up passport. They have a form you can fill out right on line. Terrific.

Except, it never comes up. You can download a blank pdf in no time. After you read the website a bit you realize all the on line form is going to do is allow you to type in the spaces rather than use a ball point pen and hand print; you’ll still have to print the form out after you’ve filled it in. Okay, so I print out the blank form. There are four pages before you get to the form explaining who can use it and how the government is reducing the amount of paper it uses. Then you get to the two page form. No problem.

Except, they want a picture of you, two copies, 2” square, head only, no hat, no dark glasses, head no bigger than 1 3/8”, white background. Okay, get out the old tripod, side mount the fancy camera, put white pillow cases on the picture behind the sofa so you have a white background and boom, all set.

Except, the camera wants to auto focus on the area behind. You have to half press the camera so it focuses. I decided to hold my hand in front of the camera at about the distance I wanted to stand to take the picture and half depress the shutter button so the camera would auto focus. Then press the button and wait for the self timer. Of course, you guessed it, I had to turn the camera on, find my glasses so I could see the little icon which meant self timer, press the button not hard enough so I stood grinning like an idiot for thirty or forty second until I realized the thing wasn’t going to take my picture - by then I think it was in sleep mode but eventually I got a picture. It looked terrible. Light was bad. Sometime the flash went off. I didn’t want the flash because it created a shadow; but how do you turn it off? Who knows? I knew at on time but no longer. It’s nothing simple like a thing that says “flash off.”

Except, I can never get myself focused, centered, smiling (so I don’t look like a killer), with the light right. Eventually, I ask my wife to come take the picture and it’s beautiful. Now, all I need to do is print it. We have an HP 5180 printer, which is perfect for the job, and about the only thing we use it for is printing pictures. I turn it on and am ready to print.

Except, the printer says three of the cartridges need replacing. I’ve learned a thing or two about hp printer cartridges. They have a chip in them and it keeps track of how long the print cartridge has been in the printer. After it has been in there a certain period of time it tells you that you need a new cartridge, even if there is ink in the cartridge. But, and here’s the big secret, if you replace the cartridge with another cartridge and then another, you can put in the original cartridge and it will no longer remember it and how empty or full it is; or so I read the last time I looked into this topic. But before I did any of that I decided to try and force my way through the “easy to read” display panel on the printer and see if I could force my will upon it, (hark ye gods!) And you can!

Except, after pushing the button saying you realize using the printer without enough ink in it could void the (useless) warranty and after selecting the photo and choosing the kind of print you want (they even have a 2” square passport size - way cool! huh?) and having to say “go ahead and print I realize I may not have enough ink” it tells you it is starting to print!

Except, it never prints. The display window say, “Starting Printing.” Must be complicated because after eating lunch it hadn’t started. I decided to try replacing the cartridges. There were three that hp claimed needing replacing. In an innovative strategy hp decided to not tell you what needed replacing in English, or any other language, but rather show you little colored blobs and let you guess which colors they wanted you to change. I got black. But red turned out to be light red and blue, I forget was it light blue or dark blue? After switching out dark red, excuse me “magenta”, the little printer display still showed magenta as being a problem; switch out light red and the little blob went away and it printed the picture - yeah!

Except, the print came out all bluish. That meant that either red or yellow in the printer was no good. So I replaced yellow. So now I’ve replaced all the cartridges. At what cost? I don’t know, the cheapest I’ve seen the colored six pack is 36 bucks and that’s not including the black. I guess I’m into the printer for fifty or sixty bucks minimum and probably more like 100 to 120. What a great idea to have individual printer cartridges! And to have time expirations on them! One cartridge was expired as soon as I put it in. Yeah!

Except, we don’t know if it’s a problem with the printer that’s making everything blue, the camera, or the original photo and its environment. We, I’ve now got my, wife working on this with me, decide to take a photo using the small digital cameras we have (as opposed to the big fancy one that went all bluish). The small digital (Olympus A10) is one of those “no I’m not going to take the shot just because you asked me to” cameras. Today, it’s remarkably cooperative.

Except, the picture in the viewer isn’t the picture you get. I’m off-center. Repeated shots have me jumping around in the picture: a little left, a little right, etc. Find the waterproof camera. The waterproof camera is an Olympus W10, and unlike it’s fancy cousin, it takes a picture when you press the button! I like waterproof cameras because they are dustproof and therefore won’t jam on a grain of sand if you stick it in your pocket. (Actually, it takes three grains, but that’s another story.) I looked in my briefcase, my other briefcase, the car, my study, upstairs, downstairs, in the car again, in the briefcase, on top of the dresser. My wife looked too. The camera had disappeared. We got my wife’s iphone and took a picture. Everything was great.

Except, she couldn’t print it because she didn’t have the driver on her machine. She went to hp to get the driver. It took forever to get the driver and when she did everything was fine.

Except, in their downloading of the driver they unloaded a whole application for seeing photos and, extra bonus, they didn’t download the driver!

When my wife plugged in the camera it downloaded all the photos in the camera to her computer, not that she wanted all of them but she didn’t have a choice. But, now she couldn’t print the pictures because she still didn’t have the driver!

I went looking for the waterproof camera again. It has several advantages over other cameras we own, notably, fewer options. The options it does have are ones you might want to really use; and, here’s the amazing thing, it actually takes a picture when you hit the button! Unlike, it’s fancy cousin the A10 that will refuse to take the picture and not tell you why (“j’en ai se quoi” I think monsieur you need more quoi.) - piece of shit. In fact, that’s what we call that camera. Where the hell could the waterproof camera be?

I go out and look in the car. No luck. However, I note that I’ve stepped in dog shit. No doubt the shit my wife warned me about last night. (“There’s some poop near the driveway.”) Not to worry it’s now on my shoe and on the driveway in neat little footprints. I come back in hop on one foot to the sink, wash off the offending shoe and toss it in the tub.

We try taking pictures again with the little digital. The background is showing up so I remove the picture with covering and hope the speckled background looks white enough for the photo. I’m near the end of the sofa; if I could just stand where the sofa arm is. I move the sofa. No good, I move the sofa back and stand on one leg. Perfect!

Except, printing from my computer, does not have the passport option and one has to spend, I know from experience, three to four hours, figuring out the settings and the paper and the ink and the size - before you get something close to what you want.

I figure out how to put the memory card directly into the printer. I’ve learned earlier that I can’t make the picture smaller. I can zoom in, but not out. Not to worry, the picture looks good, I print it. It’s off center: not in the preview, not in the camera, just when I print it. Nice!

I look for the waterproof camera again, taking a bag outside to pick up all the dog poop I can while I check in the glove box of the car for the camera. No luck, I give it up for lost and do the best I can with the next set of pictures off the digital. Remarkably, one of them actually works. Now, all I need to do is fill out the form.

Except, the form has you attach one picture. But they want you to give them two pictures. What are you supposed to do with the second one? No information. I realize I’m on the verge of getting very violent and ask my wife to see if she can find what to do with the second photo. Hidden in the bowels of the information it says to put it loose in the envelope you are sending in along with your payment. Okay.

Except, they don’t tell you what the payment is. You have to go to another page on the website to get that and then they don’t have an option for “price of passport.” It’s either a “card” or a “book.” Okay, turns out a book is a passport. How much? Price given, great.

Except, they don’t tell you who to make the check out to, at least not next to the cost, which would be helpful. Finally, we find it. I say we because it took two of us. Did I mention that my wife has downloaded a driver so she can print to this printer from her computer, except, the software they download is an application for looking at pictures not the driver for the printer - nice!

Okay, so we are both in foul moods. I had planned to get this in the mail today, which means to the post office by 3:00 p.m. which is the time the mail truck picks up all the mail for the day - express, first class, regular; it all gets picked up at 3pm.

It’s now 2:50 and I still have to fill out the form. I’ve printed it. I have to fill it in. I get it all ready and head off to the post office. It’s 3:30. Just as I come into the parking lot; I see the mail truck pulling in. I race to the counter give Margie my money and we make the truck! Just before leaving the house I think to check my briefcase again looking for the camera. I look in a pocket I never have used but once, and there she is! So with the found camera, the dog shit picked up, and the package in the mail in time for the mail truck pick up; it’s been a pretty successful day!

Tomorrow? Oh, I plan to put back the picture that was on the living room wall, throw out all the useless cartridge packages from hp, and put away the tripod.

So, you see. I’ve got a lot to do.

later,

Time to have a drink.

Well, truth be known I already had three writing this up.

Annnnddd I dunna cure, care, who you tell!

later, (oh, I already said that, sorry.)

Later, (whoops)

Bryce